


Not Dead, I Feel Fine

by JillAndJackalope



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Gorleska - Freeform, Gun Kink, M/M, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 05:51:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5322878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JillAndJackalope/pseuds/JillAndJackalope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jerome’s internal monologue sometime after the events of s2e3 “The Last Laugh”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Dead, I Feel Fine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RigorMorton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RigorMorton/gifts).



> Dedicated to RigorMorton, Queen of Gorleska, who gave this work her blessing. Thank you so much for encouraging me to start writing again!

Huh?

It’s dark. 

Where am I?

I’m inside something. A tarp? Can’t move much. …a body bag?

Oh, right… So they think I’m actually dead? Or was it just another part of the Great Rodolfo’s Disappearing Act? (Taa daa!)

Has it already worn off? Has it already been that long? Felt like an afternoon nap!

Voices? Getting closer. Don’t breathe, hold still… smile for the camera…

“So how did they pull this off?”

“Modified puffer fish poison, as I understand it. The real stuff simulates death in the right dosage, but makes the body swell up something fierce for awhile, and usually damages the motor skills part of the brain, IF the poor fuck wakes up a few days later. This modified stuff only caused a tiny bit of swelling.”

That door sounds heavy. Oh, and somebody’s wailing down the hall… several somebodies. At least they’re consistent. Maybe we could start a band. Hey, don’t hafta slam the door like that — I almost flinched!

“So… we’re checking to see if the swelling’s gone down, and if his brain’s working, and if he’s… alive at all?”

“Bingo.”

ZZZZZIP.

“Wait… isn’t that…?”

“Yup. Like seeing a ghost, huh?”

Well, if THAT wasn’t just the perfect setup!

“BOO!” 

Sitting up so fast is dizzying, but who cares, their faces are worth it! And all that panicked backing into things and knocking them over — not the most orderly of Oderlies!  
“I bring a message from the Other Side: the chicken says, ‘hi’!”

“H-H-He’s alive!”

“Thank you, Doctor Obvious. How about we test these motor skills?” 

One of them seems to wake out of their stupor, eyeing the medical tools that remain on the table. They grab a few and cautiously approach, nodding to the other to follow suit.

“Right. First, I-I’m going to use th—”

Those motor skills work just fine — maybe even better than before — and the steel thing sticking from the Orderly’s mouth to their spine is a testament to it. The other one doesn’t seem to see the elegance or humor in this demonstration, though, and apparently needs a tuning fork to the eye.

“Sorry about that — we just weren’t in tune, ya know? Can’t work with someone I can’t see eye to eye with!” 

A hearty laugh quickly grows into a wild and unabashed celebration of freedom — a frenzied signature that rings down the halls through a kicked-open door. 

The wailing stops — everything seems to stop. 

All these Security Goons, just for me? You really shouldn’t have. My gratitude might shock you.

“Don’t move!”

“Put the cables down! Now!”

“Hey, you were the ones who wanted to check on me in the middle of my nap. Wakey-wakey, eggs-‘n’-bac-ey! Hahaha!”

BZZZZZZZT!

For a secret high-tech lab, this place sure has awful wiring. Between Wayne Enterprises and Penguin, you’d think this place might have a budget or something! Good thing that exit sign is still lit, though — couldn’t play hopscotch over these ex-guards very well in the dark! Oh, wait, saying goodbyes is only polite…

“That’ll teach ya to get hot under the collar with me! Buh-Bye! Hahahahaha!”

Is that the alarm? Too late! Ooh, so bright… hey, blue sky! That almost never happens in Gotham! Ooh, chilly, too — why does every secret lab need to be near water?! Maybe there are still some clothes at the Maniax stash… the Maniax. Is that even a thing anymore? This was part of Galavan’s plans, but breaking out means… freedom? I can be my own boss! Of course I can! Galavan may have more resources, but I’ve got more brains — besides, artery or no, necks bleed like crazy, and that spot still stings. Owe ya, Theo. But first, something to keep these goosebumps at bay… now where was that stash…?

That’s right, all the way out there… Damn. That’s far. Gotta think about warm things along the way… um… summer sun… barrel fires… radiators… bales of hay… blankets… and… 

OH. 

How could I have forgotten about THAT?

Jimjimjim. What a sight you were. Still are, I bet. Never thought… but oh, what a pleasant surprise!

It was already getting interesting with those rough hands around my neck, the clarity flickering in and out of those big eyes, the hazy alarm when I held your own gun up to your forehead and chuckled as best I could. You were already snarling. I just smiled wide as ever, and your eyes got wider and those pretty teeth retreated as I trailed the gun down your nose — boop! — and stopped in front of your mouth, ready to give you a few good lines before shoving it in and pulling the trigger…

“Well, good news! You’ll see her soon! Any last words, Detective Gordon?” 

All that training suddenly gone, the fear naked on your face, and when your hands loosened on my neck, I tilted my head forward a little to look you in the eye better. The wheels were turning behind all that knock-out gas, there was realization, horror, shame, resignation… not sure how you managed all that through the delirium, Jim, but clarity seems to stick to you. I started to sigh and tell you I was done waiting, when you watched my eyebrow go up and that seemed to set something off. Your resignation turned into “aw fuck it” and you looked at me… like… hell, I know that gas doesn’t do THAT to people. 

You looked at me, I think we both held our breaths, and you leaned in so slow, and wrapped your lips around the barrel. 

I felt my smile grow impossibly wider… and felt my cock jump... (Wow, this really is warming me up!)

You stared at me, didn’t blink, and then you started to move… then I had to notice Tabitha outta the corner of my eye and remember my plans for the rest of the night. My free hand grabbed the side of your face, tracing your cheekbone with my thumb, as I pulled the gun away. You looked confused and betrayed, like I had taken away a treat and a secret. I gave you an apologetic look and a sly wink.

“Good man… bad boy. I won’t tell anyone, don’t you fret. Sorry, Jim, I’ve got plans tonight. Save this for a rainy day sometime?”

I kissed you hard, and you kissed back, like starving men… and then damn it Tabitha was right behind you. I pulled away long before I wanted to.

“It’s getting late.”

You turned back to see who was talking — had you not noticed her that whole time? How flattering!

“Sorry, Jim, she’s right. People to kill, you know the drill. It’s late and you look sleepy. Nighty-night, Detective Gorgeous.”

She hit you on the head, and I frowned at her. I could’ve done it, should’ve done it because that was the right way to end that. Sure as if it was scripted.  
She just smiled, and scolded me that I was taking too long. Kind of like my mother. Ya know, I think I owe BOTH the Galavans.

Oh, the stash! Finally! And they haven’t changed the lock! Looks like there’s some usable stuff in here… 

Wait, what’s that? Rain?! But I just got clothes on! There was blue sky… 

But, oh, we WERE saving it for a rainy day… 

I can make my own hours now, Jim — and the first thing on my to-do list is you!

**Author's Note:**

> The "hot under the collar" line is from Jack Nicholson's depiction of the Joker in the 1989 Batman, and the "Good man, bad boy" line is a slightly mixed-up reference to a catchy song by Tape Five ("Bad Boy, Good Man"). And, of course, the title is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 
> 
> This took several hours of staying in-character, which was exhausting and fun and scary. Gonna do it again as soon as I can!
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcome — I know all too well just how much a real critique helps a person grow creatively, and I'm very happy to receive any thoughts in that spirit. 
> 
> Thanks for stopping by!


End file.
